Sept 23 2025 - The very direct and surface level physical abuse I experienced was never comparable to the nuanced and covert abuses that were piled on top of each other. It doesnt seem worth mentioning, like many other things; just to make a point of it for this moment. In a situation like mine, I needed to have outside support in order to resolve this situation with my parents. I still need that support and to be heard finally. It’s sad that I could repeat myself for so many years now and get absolutely nowhere. If people could just do the math here and understand context matters, the details in totality matter and are what make it such severe abuse. For at every turn… let me remind you, my father is the guy who forced me to stop using cannabis for my health and use opioid painkillers instead. This is after id already gotten myself off of those and onto something sustainable and beneficial for me. The opioids were killing me. I have proven they dont have love for me too many times. They have a sickness. But what happened throughout my life? Nobody took me seriously and ever looked into my parents. Its hard enough to live with everything theyve done to me by itself, but to have them still to this day exploiting the things i told them to help me with and causing more pain… its unacceptable… yet ive kept living with it.

The details like that one, with the cannabis, are endless. This is why there is nobody out there that can understand how badly they abused me and how much they stole from me. I kept doing the right things over and over again and my parents just never stopped flipping things upside down and hurting me for no reason. I literally just had to be listened to.

I have decades of myself repeating these basic things to my parents… but theres no accountability. Theres no control given back to me. Theres nothing made right and im 40 years old.

I have no inclination to use painkillers or any substances, but if i must i will take the last of my time if i can see theres nothing left and be on those again after so many years of not doing this and being proud of it and having it be just one part of my strength… because im watching myself die yet again just through these last six months of reversing all the work i did yet again.. ive already gone through this countless times and i learned exactly what works to heal people and what doesnt… i understand things too well.

Im surely repeating myself a lot again, but how else would it be? It feels futile to even type. How would it not? I spent my life trying to get any semblance of justice and theres been nothing even close to it. I spent the rest just trying to live at all. But they would not allow it, all through the nuanced context. Why is it that most people lack the ability to see more details? Maybe if they had to survive through what i did they’d learn how to do that.

Its just sad because im not doing anything wrong and ive put so much energy into being as strong as possible every single day, just doing what i know is rigth in my gut and facing severe pains that are totally avoidable and completely understanding why. This would have probably driven everyone else crazy by now or to suicide. Logically it would have made way more sense for me to not be around going back to my mid teens.

So again, all of these things i learned so well, these can be applied to help others too, and i do care about that. Its not just for me, this can help many people.

Kratom was a substance i used long before it was even popular in America. I was at the forefront of discovering many things. This is another substance that people need to be aware of, it is dangerously addictive for many people. The thing is the nuance in everything means there are few absolutes and good luck explaining this to people who can think as far or take the pain of acknowledging certain things. I still think that is a danger for many people just as many substances are and I wouldnt take it myself, but i also am not the arbiter for everyone’s life. I could be helping people not go down the wrong path and same them a lot of time and energy if people would listen to me. At least people should give my words some thought since i have been able to learn from everything ive done and only times i went back to things id proven are useless are because of my parents and watching myself have no say or route that made sense.. just for no reason cus my parents decided to deny all i was saying every single day forever.

There are too many things i want to say at a time. And Ive learned at the same time that my words dont mean anything and that this has always proved to be futile. I dont even want to think of my family suffering or anything. I dont have hate in my heart. I get very angry at the pain i experience that my parents are still responsible for, present past and future. And sometimes then i say things in response to that, but I am not the type of person who could even watch someone be in pain and my heart is too big. That is why i always went back to forgiving my parents and capitulating… that and just being abused too much to where i was desperate and my dad only allowed the way that didnt make sense and was a way longer and more epenseive way around that i knew would not be possible ,,,and then i was blamed on top of it for the financial..

My parents should not be allowed to get away with this. Again, the last concrete and easy thing my dad did was he was supposed to help me move somewhere that made sense and listen to the details i explained. Well, no sense in getting lost in this when there are ten thousand other examples and i already explained that realtor situation and have reciepts but yeah like everything… it feels futile logically after so many years.

Ive bent myself til i broke in every direction thanks to my father and mother. Theyve never paid for anything. Theyve literally never been held accountable for anything. And then because of the trauma bond its like i couldnt see them as anything but too stupid rather than evil and i had love for them as my parents and i dunno but how could i possibly ignore that id spent all my time every day explaining these super basic things… then he just used it all against me every day and ignored and gaslit..

can you imagine being told you are loved by them, or that they want to help each day… but at the same time not listening to a word you say?

while youre in agonizing pains that they themselves created out of nothing?

there is simply too much to explain without support, its simple math - decades of proving theres no value in me saying anything and nowhere to go.

Theres so many abuses. From saying i was broken and needed pills - which is so incredibly wrong by itself and obviously is going to be extremely damaging to a growing child. To deny the known and predictable side effects after so long, its evil. And then i put myself through so much pain to relive this… only to get nowhere. There have to be avenues for people like myself that have actually survived and learned and understand.

I could help so many people. The knowledge and wisdom doesnt apply to just saving me.

Its like this world is just upside down and if this can happen, its likely the majority of the world remaining is either not smart enough to see things, or too busy, careless… maybe just normalized narcissism and abuse.. the more covert and better at manipulation the better, and those with money and power get to be comfortable doing this. It is likely this world is just not for the better people. Most of the better people are probably more naive and dont have the experience with such evil. There is too much blatant manipulation going on, if you just look to politics and sales alone; this is obvious, to me anyway.

This is a world where people just steal from those like myself and people like myself have no say.

People like myself can be looked at at surface level and discarded and denied too. And then these people that can hurt through the control they have and … its the totality of circumstances.. the total context of my life situation, the denial of details.. The extremely long duration… all of it…Doing the math of the finances stolen, used wrongly,.blamed, the gaslighting surrouding it, what i can prove not being recognized, not even being given a chance to prove or have support or feel supported to even try anything and having to do it anyway.

My parents are the ones who always play victim and play hero, guise of help type people.. if it were true they could have listened to me and helped just a couple things id been repeating for most of my life by now… thats it.. they wont ever listen or help those specifc details. I dont know why but those are the undeniable facts. He and my mother have known exactly how to help for the longest time but simply refuse and continue to gaslight. Theyre very sick people. Thats all i can say. And the world must be very sick as well to condemn overt abuse but look away for more covert and complex abuse. Sick sad world.

No acknowledgement of someone whos real and developed.

i also dont fit in any boxes left or right politically, because of my nuanced thinking and stances.

There are also manipulations for every group to get people involved in something that wont serve them anyhow; The government was never meant to be looked to for help.

But there is much nuance to that as well. My understanding of things is very deep and nuanced. Nuanced understanding is the only precise understanding.

So this is how i tend to offend people the further i go because someones always in some type of group or another as well. I dont mean to offend anyone i just cant deny what i know and have proven over time.

I was supposed to move somewhere I could still walk around if possible right, obviously. It was hard enough because of what i was trying to explain for the past few years with the nerve pain in the groin area. My parents should be in jail for the things they did to me just by ignoring me and saying what I said was wrong all the time. Serious serious abuse just in legal and hidden ways. Its so crazy to me that the pill thing could even be done at all. Or to just say your kid is this or that… and fine just listen to the parents over the kid.. even years down the line when its clear it only made things so bad… they never gave a crap how i actually felt or what i said, they just wanted me under control. I noticed a long time ago, they behave exactly like the government. Do I want to spend the remaining time i have doing this? is this worth anything? Probably not worth anything given the fact ive tried this so many times and even though i am one hundred percent in the right and actually have too much on my side and too many details to recount… it never matters… because its just not simple abuse and people just see what i managed to do through the cracks and discard me instead of understanding this was a very rare kind of strength. Well see how i began to talk about the situation in the present again… as futile as it feels… the amount of tangents that come to mind are basically impossible to navigate. Too easy to get lost. Obviously, this would just be a logical outcome over time carrying and remembering the amount of details i can remember. This applies to all types of things not just me and my life. Thats why i have the nuanced understanding i do of all types of things and the mastery of things. Thats why no one can lie to me about science and math and music and nature in general… its just obvious truth…

I know i am not a bad person and i am worth fighting for. But I cannot try endlessly forever and I dont have all the time in the world. I am 40 years old and have been at this for too long. Ordinary suffering is something to expect in this life. But to experience needless suffering just for no reason at all by your own family… while they gaslight… and never held to account.. unimaginable for most people to conceive of i think. If people knew how i had to live every day, purely because of my parents actions and denial of me… most wouldnt care anyway i suppose.. i really did believe more people had empathy on a level like I do in this world, but it just may not be so. Or the ones that did have been wiped out over time.Maybe whats left through evolution and survival really is mostly just the ones who are best at pretending and have the money to get away with things.

Clearly, I am not a stupid person and i should have a say. But maybe no one else in the world believes in me, but myself. And maybe this was never a world for me if the things ive done and learned that many others could not, are not valued. Too much wrong is valued in this world over the right.

The light, the smells, the sounds… feeling/knowing there were any options for me at all, any routes at all to go… i experienced logical depression only during those times and it could go away if i had any agency and proved that as well, same with once i was away from my parents. so many things were proven to me. but i never did get anything resolved or get them fully off my back. They still maintained that bit of financail control and used it against me. Mind you after they stole so much and to this day have a totally different narrative taht i can easily prove is wrong but i get no say or platform to do it and i really dont want to deal with this anymore anyway yet i dont know what else to do. I am in a box yet again with only few options thanks to my parents not listening and i cannot deny that. If id decided for one time in my life where i would live and just had agency… all would have been doable.. but no… he had to control it.
The amount of times i had to accept my own death… and the feeling of that… so dark.. so painful… and the strength it takes to come back from that and go another day… and even get way beyond.. just to have to go back again - 100 hundred percent due to my parents actions… that is so incredibly sick and too painful to describe in words. There is an endless well of pain to draw from that would span multiple lifetimes. And a feeling that even with all the time in the world i could never even scratch the surface of what was done to me, all the extended layers and details that make it even worse.