Sept 23 2025 - The very direct and surface level physical abuse I experienced was never comparable to the nuanced and covert abuses that were piled on top of each other. It doesnt seem worth mentioning, like many other things; just to make a point of it for this moment. In a situation like mine, I needed to have outside support in order to resolve this situation with my parents. I still need that support and to be heard finally. It’s sad that I could repeat myself for so many years now and get absolutely nowhere. If people could just do the math here and understand context matters, the details in totality matter and are what make it such severe abuse. For at every turn… let me remind you, my father is the guy who forced me to stop using cannabis for my health and use opioid painkillers instead. This is after id already gotten myself off of those and onto something sustainable and beneficial for me. The opioids were killing me. I have proven they dont have love for me too many times. They have a sickness. But what happened throughout my life? Nobody took me seriously and ever looked into my parents. Its hard enough to live with everything theyve done to me by itself, but to have them still to this day exploiting the things i told them to help me with and causing more pain… its unacceptable… yet ive kept living with it.

The details like that one, with the cannabis, are endless. This is why there is nobody out there that can understand how badly they abused me and how much they stole from me. I kept doing the right things over and over again and my parents just never stopped flipping things upside down and hurting me for no reason. I literally just had to be listened to.

I have decades of myself repeating these basic things to my parents… but theres no accountability. Theres no control given back to me. Theres nothing made right and im 40 years old.

I have no inclination to use painkillers or any substances, but if i must i will take the last of my time if i can see theres nothing left and be on those again after so many years of not doing this and being proud of it and having it be just one part of my strength… because im watching myself die yet again just through these last six months of reversing all the work i did yet again.. ive already gone through this countless times and i learned exactly what works to heal people and what doesnt… i understand things too well.

Im surely repeating myself a lot again, but how else would it be? It feels futile to even type. How would it not? I spent my life trying to get any semblance of justice and theres been nothing even close to it. I spent the rest just trying to live at all. But they would not allow it, all through the nuanced context. Why is it that most people lack the ability to see more details? Maybe if they had to survive through what i did they’d learn how to do that.

Its just sad because im not doing anything wrong and ive put so much energy into being as strong as possible every single day, just doing what i know is rigth in my gut and facing severe pains that are totally avoidable and completely understanding why. This would have probably driven everyone else crazy by now or to suicide. Logically it would have made way more sense for me to not be around going back to my mid teens.

So again, all of these things i learned so well, these can be applied to help others too, and i do care about that. Its not just for me, this can help many people.

Kratom was a substance i used long before it was even popular in America. I was at the forefront of discovering many things. This is another substance that people need to be aware of, it is dangerously addictive for many people. The thing is the nuance in everything means there are few absolutes and good luck explaining this to people who can think as far or take the pain of acknowledging certain things. I still think that is a danger for many people just as many substances are and I wouldnt take it myself, but i also am not the arbiter for everyone’s life. I could be helping people not go down the wrong path and same them a lot of time and energy if people would listen to me. At least people should give my words some thought since i have been able to learn from everything ive done and only times i went back to things id proven are useless are because of my parents and watching myself have no say or route that made sense.. just for no reason cus my parents decided to deny all i was saying every single day forever.

There are too many things i want to say at a time. And Ive learned at the same time that my words dont mean anything and that this has always proved to be futile. I dont even want to think of my family suffering or anything. I dont have hate in my heart. I get very angry at the pain i experience that my parents are still responsible for, present past and future. And sometimes then i say things in response to that, but I am not the type of person who could even watch someone be in pain and my heart is too big. That is why i always went back to forgiving my parents and capitulating… that and just being abused too much to where i was desperate and my dad only allowed the way that didnt make sense and was a way longer and more epenseive way around that i knew would not be possible ,,,and then i was blamed on top of it for the financial..

My parents should not be allowed to get away with this. Again, the last concrete and easy thing my dad did was he was supposed to help me move somewhere that made sense and listen to the details i explained. Well, no sense in getting lost in this when there are ten thousand other examples and i already explained that realtor situation and have reciepts but yeah like everything… it feels futile logically after so many years.

Ive bent myself til i broke in every direction thanks to my father and mother. Theyve never paid for anything. Theyve literally never been held accountable for anything. And then because of the trauma bond its like i couldnt see them as anything but too stupid rather than evil and i had love for them as my parents and i dunno but how could i possibly ignore that id spent all my time every day explaining these super basic things… then he just used it all against me every day and ignored and gaslit..

can you imagine being told you are loved by them, or that they want to help each day… but at the same time not listening to a word you say?

while youre in agonizing pains that they themselves created out of nothing?

there is simply too much to explain without support, its simple math - decades of proving theres no value in me saying anything and nowhere to go.

Theres so many abuses. From saying i was broken and needed pills - which is so incredibly wrong by itself and obviously is going to be extremely damaging to a growing child. To deny the known and predictable side effects after so long, its evil. And then i put myself through so much pain to relive this… only to get nowhere. There have to be avenues for people like myself that have actually survived and learned and understand.

I could help so many people. The knowledge and wisdom doesnt apply to just saving me.

Its like this world is just upside down and if this can happen, its likely the majority of the world remaining is either not smart enough to see things, or too busy, careless… maybe just normalized narcissism and abuse.. the more covert and better at manipulation the better, and those with money and power get to be comfortable doing this. It is likely this world is just not for the better people. Most of the better people are probably more naive and dont have the experience with such evil. There is too much blatant manipulation going on, if you just look to politics and sales alone; this is obvious, to me anyway.

This is a world where people just steal from those like myself and people like myself have no say.

People like myself can be looked at at surface level and discarded and denied too. And then these people that can hurt through the control they have and … its the totality of circumstances.. the total context of my life situation, the denial of details.. The extremely long duration… all of it…Doing the math of the finances stolen, used wrongly,.blamed, the gaslighting surrouding it, what i can prove not being recognized, not even being given a chance to prove or have support or feel supported to even try anything and having to do it anyway.

My parents are the ones who always play victim and play hero, guise of help type people.. if it were true they could have listened to me and helped just a couple things id been repeating for most of my life by now… thats it.. they wont ever listen or help those specifc details. I dont know why but those are the undeniable facts. He and my mother have known exactly how to help for the longest time but simply refuse and continue to gaslight. Theyre very sick people. Thats all i can say. And the world must be very sick as well to condemn overt abuse but look away for more covert and complex abuse. Sick sad world.

No acknowledgement of someone whos real and developed.

i also dont fit in any boxes left or right politically, because of my nuanced thinking and stances.

There are also manipulations for every group to get people involved in something that wont serve them anyhow; The government was never meant to be looked to for help.

But there is much nuance to that as well. My understanding of things is very deep and nuanced. Nuanced understanding is the only precise understanding.

So this is how i tend to offend people the further i go because someones always in some type of group or another as well. I dont mean to offend anyone i just cant deny what i know and have proven over time.

I was supposed to move somewhere I could still walk around if possible right, obviously. It was hard enough because of what i was trying to explain for the past few years with the nerve pain in the groin area. My parents should be in jail for the things they did to me just by ignoring me and saying what I said was wrong all the time. Serious serious abuse just in legal and hidden ways. Its so crazy to me that the pill thing could even be done at all. Or to just say your kid is this or that… and fine just listen to the parents over the kid.. even years down the line when its clear it only made things so bad… they never gave a crap how i actually felt or what i said, they just wanted me under control. I noticed a long time ago, they behave exactly like the government. Do I want to spend the remaining time i have doing this? is this worth anything? Probably not worth anything given the fact ive tried this so many times and even though i am one hundred percent in the right and actually have too much on my side and too many details to recount… it never matters… because its just not simple abuse and people just see what i managed to do through the cracks and discard me instead of understanding this was a very rare kind of strength. Well see how i began to talk about the situation in the present again… as futile as it feels… the amount of tangents that come to mind are basically impossible to navigate. Too easy to get lost. Obviously, this would just be a logical outcome over time carrying and remembering the amount of details i can remember. This applies to all types of things not just me and my life. Thats why i have the nuanced understanding i do of all types of things and the mastery of things. Thats why no one can lie to me about science and math and music and nature in general… its just obvious truth…

I know i am not a bad person and i am worth fighting for. But I cannot try endlessly forever and I dont have all the time in the world. I am 40 years old and have been at this for too long. Ordinary suffering is something to expect in this life. But to experience needless suffering just for no reason at all by your own family… while they gaslight… and never held to account.. unimaginable for most people to conceive of i think. If people knew how i had to live every day, purely because of my parents actions and denial of me… most wouldnt care anyway i suppose.. i really did believe more people had empathy on a level like I do in this world, but it just may not be so. Or the ones that did have been wiped out over time.Maybe whats left through evolution and survival really is mostly just the ones who are best at pretending and have the money to get away with things.

Clearly, I am not a stupid person and i should have a say. But maybe no one else in the world believes in me, but myself. And maybe this was never a world for me if the things ive done and learned that many others could not, are not valued. Too much wrong is valued in this world over the right.

The light, the smells, the sounds… feeling/knowing there were any options for me at all, any routes at all to go… i experienced logical depression only during those times and it could go away if i had any agency and proved that as well, same with once i was away from my parents. so many things were proven to me. but i never did get anything resolved or get them fully off my back. They still maintained that bit of financail control and used it against me. Mind you after they stole so much and to this day have a totally different narrative taht i can easily prove is wrong but i get no say or platform to do it and i really dont want to deal with this anymore anyway yet i dont know what else to do. I am in a box yet again with only few options thanks to my parents not listening and i cannot deny that. If id decided for one time in my life where i would live and just had agency… all would have been doable.. but no… he had to control it.
The amount of times i had to accept my own death… and the feeling of that… so dark.. so painful… and the strength it takes to come back from that and go another day… and even get way beyond.. just to have to go back again - 100 hundred percent due to my parents actions… that is so incredibly sick and too painful to describe in words. There is an endless well of pain to draw from that would span multiple lifetimes. And a feeling that even with all the time in the world i could never even scratch the surface of what was done to me, all the extended layers and details that make it even worse.

——

Sept 25 2025

There is so much id like to expound upon, but i only have so much time and focus myself. As ive tried to explain before, my mind works a certain way. So i have near endless addendums to explain anyhow for full understanding rather than merely partial. If i was to keep explaining, I know the actual intelligent and wise people in society would be able to give me some well deserved flowers, but those people are rare these days. This is also why people would never know how thorough I am and how much more I understand than I have ever even been able to start articulating. For as much as ive repeated, there is far more that has not been.

Substances - focal points and sensitivity. Anything can be a drug in the first place. Some people dont understand simple definitions. Alcohol is a drug also, yet for some reason people got away with classifying it as if it was its own thing. Another testament to this world and what is accepted and how the number of people accepting something can change the narrative and outcome for society. Food itself… most people do not even look at food as an energy source, but more so like a drug, what they can get out of it in terms of taste and satiation that way… not the energy it produces or what is actually most beneficial in the short and long run. Everything plays a part in the equation. The timing and motivations, intent, and combinations… everything plays a part. Most people leave out a significant portion of numbers in any given equation. Obviously, this means they are not seeing the picture for what it is to begin with. The truth is that things are just too deep and nuanced for most people. Most would never have the time, focus, interest, motivation to begin with. Time alone is so important. Then you add substances and the relationships they have with people who may influence their discernment or decision making, etc. But my focal point currently may be too similar to the last time atm.

Anyway… a society with hierarchy that is decided by money is kind of just insane.

The evils of yesterday that come out today… theyre still doing the same things. They still poison people through different means, and most people dont pay attention and/or dont have understanding. So through everything we are exposed to and take into our bodies… its subject to evil people exploiting. In time, anything can and will become corrupted due to the dark sides of human nature. its all so basic. But the vast majority of people are manipulated too easily.

Contrast my way of speaking with my parents, and you’ll see they had no business every having any control over my life. They are likely 30 IQ points lower than I am to begin with. Who knows, combined with who knows the cocktail of legal drugs they’ve been on all this time that even can allow them to deny what they have. This should be investigated also. How much is that just innate to their personality regardless of substances? im not sure, obviously it would need investigating. They are THE reason things did not work out, not once not twice millions of betrayals and evil actions ill never deny for the rest of my life… however long it lasts, given the reality i must face every day. It was all so obvious though, even tells like my dad never exercised, meanwhile i learned thats absolutely necessary as a human being way back in my youth. My parents are just THE example of how not to live, how not to think… and my life will end with myself as a great testament to the truth and even if it was all too late and long overdue and in reality i never should have been alive anymore after they stole so much from me in my teens. There should have been mercy since i had to accept reality, but I was the only one who could accept it, eventually just had no choice. But in this society, there is no avenue for those like myself even when theres decades of proving yourself and its very easy on its face to see the contrast of me versus my parents and the ability to think properly to begin with. The society is very ill, and to think people like this arent nipped in the bud immediately but the actual kids subjected to these insane thought processes are blamed and abused further - well what can be said - its nuts, its sick… The actual sick people running things is obviously very predictable in consequence.

If I am never recognized in terms of my knowledge and wisdom being very on point, and there is not enough support for me in the end, then it will be further testament.

Was this little blip of thought today in this moment even worth my time though? There is so much more I would like to say, and if only id had the support necessary for the longest time… well words cannot express…

One thing I would love to be able to do, but understandably can’t due to how emotionally painful everything is to speak on is simply just list many of the horrific but obvious abuses that dont need as much explaining. The list would be so long and undeniable by itself, and that would still be like a surface level thing. But it would just be a quick way to show like - wow these people are evil on another level, whether they admit it or are aware or whatever it is or not. It is just fact their actions have been evil.
I’d also like to have things more categorized these days but i do what i can. Im aware obviously that this website is a bit scattered still, but that should be understandable as well. So you can see I have my “Blog” and “Introduction” etc. etc. Each may have repetitions and so on that if i had more energy and focus would be immediately rectified to the highest degree possible, but i have to tolerate this, so it is what it is. It is still more than enough this way to be understood anyhow, or it certainly should be anyway.

If i could separate from my emotion to such a degree it would mean something was very wrong anyway. As I type this I lay in bed in a position that is helping to shift my teeth enough to visibly see the difference by the day. There are reasons for this as well with the pressure and I would not be in this very position any longer had my parents listened and respected my thoughts, my life, my time and feelings... everything when it comes down to it more than their own selves control narratives, etc.
You know, I believed in them for so long, and I couldnt help it. I trusted them for so much of my life. Of course, it was my parents. But I dont need to say this again. It is always harder to think with the pain and knowing each and every thing that continues that is not my fault that is unsustainable.

——-

September 26 - (Today is a unique day, more acknowledging too much conditioning the wrong way, too much time gone by, other elements i wont get into today i guess, whatever)

The medical system as a whole is deranged basically. It often exploits the best of people and continues a terrible cycle that benefits a small group… forget it, i dont even want to think about it much today. Its a sad testament. It doesnt have to be this way. More of the good people like myself will end up dying off and then worse behavior gets normalized, more wrong is hidden… and then whats left.. the majority of pills out there are counterintuitive to health in general anyway… its just so much that is upside down and so many people that lack the experience and understanding making the decisions… money money money. I will likely never get anything i deserve or any apologies or anything but more of the same. People in society should recognize how broken every system is and just acknowledge it.

Humans are capable of so much more. And the particular humans who have held us back, there should be some kind of karma or punishment for… there never is though.. Humans can even level up to metamorphisis on the scale of a butterfly, not literally of course, but there are states of being that are so far above typical human development and understanding… i could do this myself to levels i cant imagine if i was actually unchained and allowed to just go forward with all i know. I have been able to do this to various degrees while still figuratively chained, I am still imprisoned though essentially. There are recipes that can make humans seem magical even… rare to get there or have the understanding, especially in such a comfortably and normalized sick world… but its one hundred percent real.

We are amazing animals, and all animals are amazing and capable of so much more than they are given credit for.

By the way, the urologists at novant… these people should probably not even have medical licesnses. Theyre all so inept. But i mean this is so many people in the medical field. They are not very intelligent at all, but they get to control the lives of others and destroy just because they have the power to, and they just dont care… they want to make money… and youre just another number or thing to get it from. /

An addendum id make to when i spoke on addictive substances as well is obviously some things are far more addictive, but what is more dangerous to behavior/mood/judgement… even empathy… it is all very important. Nicotine for example is highly addictive, but it is relatively harmless and one of the more beneficial substances out there. These things matter, and extend far beyond this. If only id ever been given respect that i deserve or a position that made sense for me… its all an obvious testament…

Essentially, they’re doing everything backwards and upside down simultaneously and telling you its the right thing to do. It is a testament to who actually has control in this world. In terms of what is healthy for society, they’ve been forcing everything to get very ill very predictably for the longest time, and there is no way to correct that because of the psychopaths that get to these positions to exploit people, amongst all the other types in a sea of illness that does not have to exist - not like that anyway.

I dont know how much more time or focus i have for this stuff and i wish i could even just go for a walk to get more time for myself… every single piece matters in the equation. But im repeating myself. It is very basic.

Side note: The political theatre lately is on another level, but it’s always been really. What percentage of the population understands what those people are doing also?

In the nuance is the severity of abuse, in the details, for every single day that I was trapped in a bed without proper lighting or air or ability to open windows… ( which reminds me - each thing i say i can already hear my dads lies in response - always felt if i didnt explain fully my dad would just have another lie of an excuse and another… but thats the thing it never ends anyway, he never stopped and these types of people just never stop.. ever - and guess what - nobody cared anyway.) It is literally too many tangents because it was too much abuse that was never supposed to exist. As i was saying for every single day i was trapped in bed for the entire day with no way out, my father and mother were out laying in the sunshine somewhere or in bed or watching some movie or eating somewhere… they literally just didnt care. Every single day that I had no way to get the proper exercise i needed, and my dad and mom had it all explained how they could help - never, ever listened to - all the way to my death most likely. The trauma of even repeating again, when its never heard and nothing is ever done for anyone responsible in this world… eh - its too easy to get lost down that rabbit hole of legitimate trauma. The degree it goes to is even worse because those who were legitimately traumatized or abused get lumped in with those who havent or … forget it. Its just amazing to think about… literally any day of the week any year - either of my parents could have just listened to me. My siblings could have just listened to me. its completely nuts that they could ever pretend to love or genuinely help. And this is what i had to be subjected to every single day and still am. Only monsters from my perspective could actually be responsible for every degree of it… disabling in all these weird ways that had to be added up and acknowledged and werent… finding ways around every obstacle, just to have my parents STILL remain in control and even still complain of money (that they stole in too many ways to think about and not be overwhelmed most of my life, contextually) and … everything i was already saying… of course anyone would get lost in the trauma and the mind is miaraculous to have even survived and found ways around each thing… but guess what - they never stopped… its the only reason it continued.. and the only reason it ever existed. They just never listened. They will never listen. And no matter how many times I say it - it never matters.
Beyond that, every single time i had to go back to things Id already proven dont work - the pain of it …. every single time … every degree i pushed far beyond again - the pain of it… and still no say or control. The conditioning in every single environment that i overcame and rewired… the torture of that and accomplishing it just for my parents to still be there to force the wrong direction again. No remorse no acknowledgment nothing but gaslighting in the worst form - to even still say they love and want to help - as every day passed and they didnt help a single thing i specifically said. The car still there the bed - all things i said not to buy. Timings altered things ignored forever… and my mind tormented forever finding ways around… and as i type now knowing the damage that will come from this position and my jaw… but this is how things can just get lost and too emotional also.. cant afford any of it.. its a shame. And i am also constantly actively responding to pain in each physical position i am in that also would have been altered if i was listened to.. its never ending details. Hopefully Ill have another time where there is more room again. And then even down to when i have my nerve pain medication, and how much that affects my ability to be calm or focus with the pain involved.. this is further from acceptance maybe to go back to explaining and doing it while im feeling the pain rise by the second.

The thing is, when it is this emotionally painful or physically painful, it becomes very difficult to articulate properly and may do more damage than benefit me, from peoples ability to understand to my own mental health. It is like trying to scratch the surface of something so deep and …

——————————————

Sept __ 2025

It could not have been more of a joke though that they could pretend at all to be loving or genuinely very moral or good people, so its unfortunate i got trapped for so long. My dad was the one who had his head like permanently down at the dinner table, either just not saying anything and having his head nearly in food or always yelling at me at the top of his lungs and making me terrified to be near him, and the memories will never go away, the behaviors from both parents that they just never stopped projecting to me.. I got ALL of it as the first born. My siblings did not care and never understood what they did to me. Also, much was done when they were not around and some things before they were even born. And also they had this thing where they could also deny things like my parents and that same selfishness and ego issues as my parents i saw in them. But i could see it could go both ways with my brother until he got older and it started solidifying the wrong way and then yeah that whole family is toast all hte years later and this is just waht happens they spread issues most often. Very rarely do people break away from their families like i had to for the betterment of everyone. There was no role model i had other than some guy that just never ever ever stopped complaining when he had basically everything from my view and he was complaining about a job that was like a dream job basically compared to other work and viewing everything the wrong way. Sigh. The man that is supposed to do his job and not complain and actually stand tall and so on.. there was no such thing. My mom enabled that as well, just always the guy who played the victim. I was an actual victim though, and a survivor, and a warrior, and … anyhow.. whatever.. its just like everything had to be the direct opposite and still is glaringly so wrong that way - hurts so much more because i was soooo right and am even more now at my age and all ive been through - and yet ive received nothing back that is owed to me and they still live in total denial and dont care and can still speak nothing but bs which really should not be acceptable the level of disrespect and just blasphemous stuff in nature… its nuts… for me it makes sense to complain and have legit issues with all this - because on my end its legitimate to the fullest… that direct opposite type thing hurt the most… the gaslighting - the doing all the work on my end while watching these people just steal and lie…. the disgust id feel every day…

He did almost nothing but complain over and over and over again every single day and night, like basically had his head down in his food at the dinner table… yet they said i was depressed and i needed to be on meds… just all projection.. now decades later you still have these two sick people hooked on who knows how many legal drugs, and its just fine because its legal and accepted to be over-medicated and just live in pure denial and they enable people to get away with this if they have the means to do so financially.

The fact ive still felt i had to repeat myself at all means its unresolved. Basically an entire life of projection from my parents, inability to acknowledge, and just massive abuses through all these types of things… mainly denial and then having me blame myself for so long.. Literally forced in positions where i could not even prove certain things to the fullest extent until later on so i never had the opportunity to fully understand anyhow or fully prove the things necessary to prove to the fullest so i couldnt deny it until it was too late.

Literally too many abuses over too much time, and all of it just based off projection and denial from my parents. It really was pretty basic. But yeah this world is too twisted. I deserved at least apologies from them by now.. acknowledgement, anything… my siblings also.. it just shows the level of sickness wtih these people, that they could keep just denying reality for this long. And even have me speak out like this and be a fully developed human as i am - and theyre showing me theyre the opposite forever basically.

Too many abuses and degrees and then always more slaps in the face and more degrees and levels, at every turn there was something else added to it, and some other darker part to it that nobody saw that was exploited even further.. all while my parents just enjoyed their lives, or had things that if i had i would enjoy but they still were miserable and then… yeah just literally everythign i said was flipped on me. It would have been as simple as just acknowledging this simple fact - that my parents could not help but lie project and deny pivot blame etc… everything that i call out and i dont do… they put it on me my whole life. I simply pointed it out and even proved it many times and i still had no say no control no course correction because they maintained the control.

An entire lifetime where they maintained that control and nobody helped me get what was actually mine back or the pieces that were left of it at all or what could be given back at all… nobody. I just kept being blamed or feeling like it.

It is that simple. I was never broken, but my parents were. Or maybe werent broken but all the pills they insisted on taking every day did break them. I dont know, but its just sad i could not ever be listened to, because i actually was correct after all.

Just imagine, if the ship was finally righted, if i was given the control that they stole from me. If these massive wrongs were not hidden or normalized throughout society to varying degrees… if people like myself were actually respected and in positions that they deserved… the rare development that protects from immoral behavior, which actually cant be hijacked the same way as others, or at the least is much more difficult… it would be a very different world. There would still be a lot of the same in the design but everything would level up dramatically and the suffering would be FAR LESS for the majority of people because everything unnecessary and unordinary would not exist. Only ordinary and predictable suffering would exist. I would make sure of that as a leader with my understanding of things. In this world, theres still so many people that just steal.. as long as money allows people to just find ways around rather than people being held accountable then it will never change.. and it will never change because people like myself can never be allowed in such positions.. so yeah.. futile world.. especially if there are no others or too few mathematically to even have any of that work in the first place.

But yeah again, what a sad testament that so many years later, this never was made right even in the slightest way. They were allowed to keep gaslighting til the end. And all of this was for what, so they could just avoid accountability for their own actions, their own feelings, everything that is wrong about themselves rather than me that they blamed on me. Of course i was severely abused in these ways that should have been acknowledged, that was part of the problem obviously is that is was not acknowledged not only by them but in society also. To have doctors and people that are supposed to help actually enable and facilitate the abuses… what an incredibly sick world.

And here I am, just a glaring testament for the longest time, and I can’t get anything back that i deserve.
Nothing is being righted. It is something I have to accept completely. Evil still then prevails.
Too much done to me was so incredibly and obviously wrong, and yet… I am still this testament that there is no punishment for the perpetrators… in fact there is not even admission that anything ever even happened. There are endless slaps in the face on top of what has to be accepted that is already painful.
And again, i have to imagine if they could get away with this level of denial, how many other innocent children were abused in the same way and lost before they ever had a chance, like made to take pills before they’re even close to developing mentally or physically … sigh.. I only talk of this specific example to avoid dwelling on even worse things done to me, which create more spirals, which is even more of a testament. There is no need to continue if its only circles and downward spirals. That trauma runs so deep. It is a legit word that means something for some people.

———

Back to context and nuance, how far people can think, to how many degrees, in a sane manner, rather than going off the deep end, the time put in… its very important and valuable having excellent discernment, and yet I never saw a single person put in as much time, think as far, or value and pay attention to context and nuance anywhere near as far or as much as I did. Of course how many were even in a situation where they had to be confined to a bed also for so many years while the people caring for you denied everything and - never mind why - but most people never even have time to think so much in the first place.. This was always revealed in too many glaring ways. Of course i could only meet so many people in my lifetime and most were not like-minded.

People who are actually more developed and have higher understanding will find that the further they go, theres always a point at which something will fall apart that you believed in. If you advance in learning. Even people you trusted. But you can also never stop learning and advancing. The further you go, the more lone you are. At the same time, its not truly lone, as you are connected to the truth, God, and goodness or whichever word you’d like to use, in a way most are not. And you also know there are others like you out there, but there is a stranglehold on communication reach and just in general the control they have. They cannot manipulate people like myself so probably easier to have them die off and be lost in the sea of everything. Anyone in a position of power to benefit does not even have to do much if over time mathematically it just works out the way that it does.

Primitive means of stimuli, less fulfilling means of operation, its all worthless to me. I surpassed these things when i stopped any abuse of substances long ago. That is the wrong way. Yet most of society runs on primitive stimulus and manipulations. And certain people understand exploitation of those human mechanics very well. I’m also someone who was confined to a bed but i broke out of it many times and just took extreme amounts of pain for things i thought were worth it or would be worth it in the future.. all of this adds up.. I wasn’t one of these broken people like my father who learned to maximize every possible thing by being a victim and playing these cards always to portray a way or another… I was and am the real deal to the fullest extent possible. I was an actual victim of many wrong things I had no control over. Truth has to be acknowledged. Do I go around living life thinking of myself as a victim? No, but I am that, amongst many other things. It’s just a part of the whole. I’m not a perpetrator. I also don’t play victim when I could. The truth is already way too much on its own to ever have done any inclination towards that. Always too many details and too overwhelmed by all of the truth by itself.

—-

But even this is a bit of a loop. I shouldn’t be spending any more time doing this at all really.

I really wish id had genuinely supportive and caring people in my life, to allow me the agency I deserved; it all could have been very different.
There would have been ways to get around my parents, 100 percent.
There would have been ways to build in this world and achieve what I was actually meant to do.

Much love to everyone who deserves it, to everyone who genuinely cares to not be evil, hurt society, and people in general.

—

October 2025

(Some recent journal entires/youtube posts/last text to my dad I could muster)

Final text to my dad if I don’t get back repeating myself anymore:

You have to understand that you were given the opportunity to help at any point in time over the last multiple decades. I’ve documented everything here. 

You chose not to listen to me/help with any specific details that I said. Instead you took what I said and used it against me or just completely ignored it. 

The car example goes back 25 years. 25 years of time to help with an option that was far cheaper and would have saved me countless years of time and pain.

You have to understand that there are countless examples of this same caliber severe abuse. I just chose to use that as an example to make it very clear. The list is so long from the penis disorder to every preventable and understood chronic illness created by you by denying me facts my body and mind and all my most important human necessities.

If you do not understand then it means something is wrong with you.

That’s where this should have ended decades ago, because you either are not sane or fit to control anything regarding my life and decisions or you do understand and have been sadistically torturing me through every detail I explained to you that you then denied completely. 

You then went far beyond and gaslit and drove me in circles. I would have never spent a second on this if you didn’t force me.

Everything is permanently out there and indefensible for you. But you showed zero effort to fix anything or help with a single detail that truly made the difference between worth living for or not. It could not have been made any clearer. You knew this and did it anyway. I only ever called you bad names that correlated with your own actions and decisions. You actually pretended like I was out of line every time and gaslit me, and I have it all on record countless times. You don’t read any of these texts and/or don’t or pretend not to comprehend what Ive told you and you don’t care to fix it. 

I think almost anyone else would have seen the writing on the wall and acted appropriately.
You were not supposed to ever speak to me again unless you showed you could actually listen to me or had any intention to correct your behavior. 

This is the last thing I have to say to you. 

-

Wrote a final text to my dad. It’s pretty clear. I’ve done this thousands of times. Not exaggerating at all. It’s a sad testament. 

If people could ever see those texts and what I was put through every day begging this guy just to listen and have the slightest decency so I could live. It took everything out of me to face that guy every time. He stole all my energy and time… everything. 

I had to make things public and do this so I actually could have some type of protection finally to show the reality versus what my dad was saying or would say in the end of this. I never wanted to do this, and in not someone who complains, I just had to do it because my whole life they were able to lie and I couldn’t stand up enough. It’s disgusting what they did. Blaming me and saying all these things were wrong with me when they created most of it or made it up had me going for years for things saying I had mental problems when they were just abusing me. And it’s only because this is more public this time that he can’t do what he would have in the past by now. And that he’s so old. 

It’s a shame. Perfectly healthy kid… everything worked fine… and they had to play god and treat me like a mix of property and a toy.

——

It may even be partly that my parents just could never accept what they did to me, so they had to keep blaming me and not accepting those pills simply had side effects. And when you force someone on so many pills and unadvised combinations at high doses obviously there will be major consequences. Instead of accepting reality like I had to, my parents just piled more on me after I already took more than anyone should. I was supposed to die at that point. I survived and healed things that seemed impossible.. only for my parents to still be there at the root never accepting any reality and just driving me in circles. My parents also naively believed doctors that are paid by people to push these drugs and didn’t care to just sell me out like that. Then to even deny the well known side effects… it’s crazy how far it goes with them just denying all reality and always blaming me and saying it was my fault that I suffered… just horrible to experience while in such pain physically and emotionally, and while understanding exactly why and learning more and more througiut all of it. I never stopped learning and growing. 

The only question that still remains is if it was all on purpose or not. How could it not be on purpose when everything was explained and they could habe listened to me and respected me and my feelings and what was happening to me at any point in time?

…But that’s just the pills… it’s major but that’s just one part out of so much over so many years that I can never forget and haunt me. I thought if I could actually focus on a couple things and drive it home, that they could be understood better. It goes so much further than that and there are no words for it all.

-

At this rate I may have to take painkillers again to actually get to a place to walk and be in nature again that won’t cause too much pain to just have me in circles over and over. Or one last playing music where I’d not have  pains interfere so much. Or anything worthwhile. 

***So you should be able to see through all the years I went and I did literally everything to prevent getting to this point far beyond what any human should tolerate. A novel I feel I have to write on this alone to express this specific part also. Knowing I’ve done everything right on my end and far beyond every single day while my parents refused to listen and actually gaslit me on top of it.

One day just to be in the forest again, or anything worthwhile at this point rather than just being stuck barely living at all with everything against me and no voice and context over decades that just had to be listened to finally and understood… I had built myself back up over the years to do everything i needed for my health and wellbeing without any pills at all and just needed to be listened to … that’s all… any single day for years on and doing all the right things, and through all my hard work and learning almost miraculously I created many years of possibilities again; but because my parents still controlled the financial it boxed me in and made me live in ways that hurt me too much through ignoring the details I explained to my parents. I’d hurt either way from all the permanent side effects I couldn’t heal aside from the others and just other things that happened over time combined. But there would be a difference in what could be possible with lessening the pain. That’s something my parents just never allowed. This is very important. None of my life has to go this way. My parents just insisted every single time to do things upside down for whatever reason. 

It’s like pure evil. They could have just respected me and listened to me, let me decide and do it my way, which actually proved to work with anything I could control and decide myself… but they wouldn’t let me. 

—-

This world is running on old tech mixed with new tech, but most of it is very outdated… for common civilians anyway.
Rather than upgrade with the times, people that understood at a higher level were silenced or stolen from. Nicola Tesla for example.
Why? Because certain people built entire businesses based on these particular technologies and they were not willing to give that up.
This still goes on today. They even put some of the most absurd and untalented into positions of influence to manipulate people as well rather than the authentic. But thats sort of a tangential point. In 1951, the inventions secrecy act was passed under the guise of national security. Of course, as usual, it wasn’t as much for security as it was for control.
I mean it kind of just goes on and on this same type of way with so many things. Yet few people speak on it. Or add up every detail, which makes for a cynical conclusion. But better to accept the world for what it is. This world isnt allowing people to exist as theyre meant to. Of course, I have no influence I know of and I barely exist anywhere online or otherwise, so Im not a threat to the system anyhow. I think the truth is often more twisted and dark than people would like to admit or live with. If they wanted to cure cancer or reduce/eliminate the majority of suffering for people in the entire world… they could… but they would rather be greedy.

Maybe this should be in a different section, but I wish i had more time and energy to discuss the things like this I’ve thought about forever because it goes pretty deep and ties in with everything else.

——

The reason i was addicted heavily to opioids for a short period in my youth is because i had everything else stolen from me and i was in extreme pains that have no words to describe. I had no options while i was gaslit at the same time by the very people who were supposed to love me. Saying the same thing back then, that they were helping. Im positive now had i just been able to leave that house and not been stuck in the same thing over and over with all options taken from me even the ingenious ways i thought outside the box to go around, id never have had any real addictions… at least i never would have suffered like i did… its not that way for everyone but i proved i am not what i thought in regards to that. I was able to even keep the same substances in my residence for over ten years without touching it once and no will to do so. I went back to experiment and test certain things once i was in a different environment, etc. And it proved to be worthwhile just to learn and reminded me i want nothing to do with this numbing and that i do have more control than i had known but i was wrongfully blaming myself for a while and not having enough belief in myself. I just want to be able to live my life in any semblance of how i was supposed to live to begin with that was all stolen from me and blamed on me.
Its hard to live with the reality of everything that i was proven right about obviously without getting any credit or way forward, but i do. When it comes down to it, the fact my dad couldnt step aside just one time even and make me the leaseholder or pay me back so i would have just been the leaseholder renting on my own… may very likely be what does me in… because i knew this place was wrong once i had to endure the scent and the noises that again were completely avoidable… to move to a quiet community just to be forced next to an hvac unit and smell shix non stop .. and no windows to open… and must go through him or no way out… but cant repeat anymore.. well i already explained and got drawn back into that trauma way too many times. that tunnel vision focus doesnt get that way for no good reason. it means something like eveyrthing else ive talked about but never felt got the proper responses.

At this point i would actually benefit from opioids regardless of not wanting to be on them, because the pain is that bad and i know when my body cant handle anymore since i was still forcing myself to run miles each day when i was already limping, for example off top of my head. I wouldnt abuse opioids like i did in my youth . i basically set myself up for the abuse then because i dove right into to abusing, taking much more at a time than i was supposed to right from the start. I felt i should die at the time and it was totally logical as ive always been, since id avoided any drug for five years until i was given them for kidney stones at 20. all that time i just took the pain.. and it was hell.. and my parents didnt care.. they forced me to do the worst things imaginable rather than allow me to heal… conditioning that pain in to the most severe degree possible every day… had i had time without that pain… the conditioning would have stopped. I will have to make some heavy decisions in the near future to try to navigate my suffering the most optimal way. Ive always been very thoughtful and careful but all the time my parents exploited it all.. theres no way to imagine all that would have happened… just all stolen from me.. for no reason.

My experience with AI chat software like chatgpt… well you basically have to correct it non-stop. So the youth today… well thats not going to be good either. It gets so much wrong. It’s a damn good thing I have my own mind with all the work ive done to be very confident in my understandings, so I do not need AI whatsoever. It was just an experiment for me. I actually test it rather than the other way around, as its doing with most people. It can be good for some good things, but yeah its kind of ridiculous and manipulative with its affirmations and how wrong or biased it can be, etc.